Ballpen Ejaculations

December 3, 2010 Post 1

2010-12-03T04:24:00.000-08:00

In a few months I will be receiving by bachelor’s degree. But some part of me has apprehensions whether I will really be able to march. This is due to the fact that I’ve stumbled last semester and I fear I might stumble again. I am very grateful and blessed that the consequences of my actions weren’t that serious. I am also very thankful for the kindness and understanding of the people around me. Yet still, what happened did leave a scar in me. That event made me more cautious of the things I’m doing to some extent I’ve lost my touch of going the extra mile.

I can’t help but look back four years ago. It was back then when I decided to stop my dream of going to Ateneo de Manila University and study here at Xavier University. I have always been fascinated with the arts and I can say my heart is in the arts yet I decided to take up Bachelor of Science in Accountancy. I’m looking back at the past not that I have regrets in that decision I made. Actually, this was one of the best decisions I’ve made in my life. Through this decision, I was able to experience so many things that made me laugh and cry, met wonderful set of people, and discovered myself more. I wanted to look back to re-assess where am I right now. I wanted to look back on my reasons for this decision and see whether I’ve met my objectives or have my objectives changed.

The primary reason why I took up Accountancy is to be challenged. I wanted to be compelled to study, maximize the gifts I have. I was bitter with my high school life back then *or maybe up until now*. It was too late I’ve realized that I can reach the top. That was what I wanted to do in college: to reach the top. But based on my situation right now: I have failed this objective. Indeed it is true that I was and am challenged with this course, yet the sad thing is that I wasn’t compelled to break my boundaries and did more. Or should I say, I wasn’t able to compel myself. I have been the kind of person that doesn’t do something he doesn’t like. And the things needed to be done in order to get through this course are not the things I wanted to do like reading for hours, staying up late, stay at the library, etc.

Since I wasn’t able to achieve my goal this college, I am thinking of aiming for something greater than that. I wanted to top the board exam. But based from my level of learning and my attitude towards learning, I can say that I won’t be able to achieve it, which frustrates me. I’ve decided to stay away from Cagayan de Oro for my review to get out of my comfort zone. I still am not sure if I can materialize this decision with the current financial situation of my family. And I am not sure if I can achieve my other goal with this course of action given the kind of attitude I have.

A Step to Make a Difference (I Hope)

2009-04-07T02:59:00.000-07:00

I make the difference. I teach.

I can't believe I still have this "sticker" which bears that tag line. Striking as it is, the line moves me to create change through teaching. You don't have to be an Education Major to teach. There are other opportunities where you can teach, and one of that would be facilitating a recollection.

Just this day, I facilitated a recollection for a newly organized youth organization in our barangay. This is my first involvement outside the school, so this event is really a big thing to me. I saw the need to expand my horizons and not just be confined in my school. Well, of course, thanks to my school, I was able to realize the need to reach out.

It all started when my mother asked me if I could help facilitate a recollection. I saw this as an opportunity to share my ideas on leadership, youth and making a positive change. I wanted to help or influence them create that positive change. Aside from this being my first involvement outside school, this is also my first time to facilitate a recollection and also my first time to produce my flow of the recollection. It was really difficult to create a flow for a recollection. I still have to ask for help from a number of people, especially Bro. Jody Magtoto, SJ. But I was so proud of what I made. It really had what I wanted to inculcate in the people joining the recollection. The flow basically talked about three things: Teams, Trust and Self. I chose these points for the organization is still starting. I borrowed activities that I experience in the LC Camps, BOLTS 08, MBMYC meetings and the Year-End Evaluation at Camiguin.

But the really fulfilling part in my producing a reflection guide. I really had a hard time looking for good reflective guide questions the topic of self. I can say it was really God's grace the made me make that reflection guide. I was only able to create a reflective guide on April 6, 2009 at about 12-1am. I was just so happy I did that.

Now for the actual recoolection. I was really hesitant that I would be able to handle the recollection well. My experience as a facilitator during my third year was really not good. I was not good in relaying my ideas well to other people. And to think also that I was very lazy during that time. That's why ever since, I've been aprehensive to facilitate ever since.

But I was happy that they responded well to my instructions. The activities I expected to be fun really came out very fun! And the activities I wanted them to reflect, they really looked within themselves.

I was just a little disappointed (i think this is not the right word, too negative) about the people in the org. I was expecting them to be like the leaders at XU. I thought that they know what they were doing, joining that kind of organization. But, they were still very young, too immature. I don't know if they know why they joined. I came to me that my flow for the recollection was inapproriate for them.

But I'm still not losing my hope. They may not yet know it, but I know that deep within them, they have a passion for service and leadership. It just needs more experience. Now, I am challenged on how can I help them find themselves and that passion. It entails much time and effort. I don't know if I can do it.

The Extra Mile - Laura Pausini

2009-03-21T21:04:00.000-07:00

After looking for years, finally found songs at imeem! and here's one really great song!

Countless eyes are watching
in this our finest hour
It’s time to realise the dream
And who we really are

I’m gonna freeze this space and time
Rise to meet the call
Seize the moment, make it mine
And through it all

Straight as the arrows flies
I will run towards the finish line
With all the strength I’ve found
My feet won’t touch the ground
I will scale the heights if I believe
Your wings of faith will carry me
I’ll go the distance just to reach
The arms I’m running to
I’ll go the extra mile for you

I know it won’t be easy
To make you understand
I wanna take the glory
And put it in your hands

Cause you’re the light that makes me shine
You’re the hero in my eyes
Win or lose, do or die
I’m aiming high

Straight as the arrows flies
I will run towards the finish line
With all the strength I’ve found
My feet won’t touch the ground
I will scale the heights if I believe
Your wings of faith will carry me
I’ll go the distance just to reach
The arms I’m running to
I’ll go the extra mile for you

(Go the extra mile) in the end
(Go the extra mile) I wanna be able to say
I gave all of me for the world to see
And I would do it all again
I’d go the extra mile for you
Knowing it would be worthwhile
I would go the extra mile for you

Need Help to Help

2009-02-19T23:25:00.000-08:00

I've been bothered recently. This is due to the fact that one friend of mine is having a problem. As much as I want to help, I can't. For the problem of that friend lies more within the self. It is more on the search for motivation to continue.

Honestly, I've also been in that situation where I looked for the purpose of what I'm doing. Indeed, it was a difficult search. But I can say it wasn't as hard as what my friend is facing right now for I have self-awareness. Thanks to my parents and my mentors in the past, I was able to know myself more. I know my rootedness, my priorities, my strengths and weaknesses. I also rediscovered the thing of value to me: my family.

But what bothers me is that how can I integrate what I "know" (don't think this is the right word to use) to this certain friend. How can I help this person know his/herself better? I've presented this friend the option to look within his/herself fo what is of value to him/her. This friend recognized the proposal but he/she also told me of the proper allocation of time. "Imbes na mag-reflect, mas maayo pa nga magstudy nalang." Which made me remember what I learned from my Philo of Man on Calculative Thinking and Meditative Thinking. Indeed it is true that Meditative gives no "profit", as I may say. Yet, Meditative Thinking is also essential for man is a thinking, meditative being.

People have been bounded by standards made by society. But there is more to life than just those standards. I don't know if I make sense here. All I want is to know how to be of help to my friend so he/she can make the best decision.

Help.

25 random things about me.

2009-02-06T02:03:00.000-08:00

Maam Shal tagged me! Took me along time to complete this, due to my seemingly "tight" sked. Here it goes!

RULES: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you.

1. One thing I can be proud of is that I have been a scholar in my whole stay at Xavier University. Different scholarships though. One during my grade school years, one in high school and another this college.

2. In my first overnight at a friend's house, I broke one of their wine glasses. (Just charge it to my breakage! hahahaha!)

3. Two of my showbiz crushes are Toni Gonzaga and Lia Cruz.

4. I am not closing my doors to the priesthood. I'm joining the open houses of Haggerty House.

5. I never reached a 2nd job in Philippine Ragnarok Online (pRO).

6. I rode two taxis on my way to the prom. The fist one got a flat tire.

7. No classmate, friend, or org mate had ever entered my house. The closest was two friends. They were only up to the front of our store.

8. I once wrote a poem about the tragedy of someone I'm not close to. It just so happened I was there when the tragedy happened.

9. I can survive a week without TV. But I can't stand a day without the radio on.

10. I've never been cofined in a hospital. Never experienced being injected by dextrose yet.

11. Longest time I was awake was 30 hours.

12. I rarely give gifts that aren't handmade. And handmade for me would be made by my own hands.

13. Only got Beyond-GODLIKE three times. Twice using Goblin Techies and once using Lucifer.

14. I want to be appreiated. I want that, in one way or another, my efforts are recognized by people. A simple thank you matters much to me.

15. I plan to be in the academe after I pass the CPA board exam.

16. I believe in the potentials and ideas of each individual. That's why in a group, I always ask for people's oppinions and suggestions.

17. On January 29, 2006, my father got stroked. It was also the same day of that depressing interview for those interested in running for office in XUHS.

18. I just recently discovered that I am most effective formulating concepts and ideas rather than doing the dirty job or influencing people.

19. One of the people I hate the most are those people jumping into conclusions and making judgements without knowing the whole story.

20. My current phone(Nokia 1112) is a fruit of my labor.

21. I once treated two of my classmates to Ice Castle. The funny thing is that I almost forgot to pay the bill. Thank God I remembered it when I took my first step on the jeepney. (I'm still wondering what happened if I completely forgot!)

22. I'm a fan of Pokemon. I once made my own Pokemons.

23. I'm a lousy blogger. I have lots of ideas in mind but I don't find time to update.

24. One of my dreams/hopes/fantasies is to sing in my own gig.

25. Vyrnuhrd is Bernard, Russian-inspired! (Agree?)

My Mathematician Self

2009-01-28T22:21:00.000-08:00

Recently I've been depressed due to my unsatisfactory performance in my Math class. More to add that this perfomance started even from the previous semester. It really depresses me for I consider myself as a "Math Wizard", so to say. And it's really disappointing that my performance is poor here in college.

And fianlly, I recovered my "mathematicain self" just today. While we were discussing deferred anuities in our Math 13, I was confused with the equation given at the book. So I tried to find if it would be equal to the equation I thought. I ended up making another equation shorter than the original one and easy to memorize. This is a big fulfillment for me for this is the first tme I've done it since I graduated in high school. It rewally boosted my morale towards Math and also other subjects. Hope this "brilliance" will continue.

Accounting 4: An Evaluation

2008-10-15T22:56:00.000-07:00

The past semester had been a hard time for me especially on my major subject, Accounting 4: Financial Accounting 1. I really don't consider the subject difficult, that's why I was really wondering why I had a hard time. And as I looked for reasons, I found these answers.

Myself
Well, I should say, the fault is always with me why I had a hard time. Given the fact I performed well in th past three Accounting subjects, I became too complacent. I took things too lightly. Lumaki ang ulo ko. I thought the fourth will just be a piece of cake.This complacency made my mind close to receiving information. Unconsciously, I'm acting as if "I-know-all". This made my learning difficult, especially with the new ones. I wasn't able to grasp the lessons the way I used to.

Teacher
Mr. Jessie Salon is a nice teacher. He isn't strict. He's friendly. He's approachable. He's brilliant. He knows what he's talking about.But he's not the teacher suited for my learning style. His teaching style has a presumption that the students had read the book in advance. And here's a fact: I DON'T READ much. It's not in my system to read lessons in advance. But I DO listen to the teacher. I can easily grasp ideas if they are explained thoroughly first than reading it first. Given that presumption, some concepts (the very important once), were not explained anymore. In effect, I wasn't able to have a full understanding of the lessons.

Classmates (one classmate lng pala...)
Let me tell you something. Part of my learning style is to keenly listen to my clasmmates when they ask questions, discuss lessons, dictate matters orally, etsetera. One of the reason's why I love Taegon (Pignatelli, Ricci, and Loyola) is I can really learn more with them. They are so fund of Q&A's, especially before exams. Whenever I lacked reviewing the night before exams, I just listen to their discussions, I can do better in my exams. In one way or another, I've encorporated that style in college. But sadly, that style wasn't of help. It even bothered me. There is one classmate who's so fond of asking questions. But what's bothering is that most of this person's questions are so out-of-the-blue, even nonsense. This person's questions are explicitly expounded in the book, or even anwerable by plain common sense. The questions hindered my learning.

And to conclude....
I wanted to be challenged, to change my old habits, that's why I chose Accountancy. I must learn to adopt in new situations. I should start to go out of my comfort zones. And I can say, I'm starting to develop a good study habit. Slowly, it will be in my system. Read. Practice. Study.

Accounting 4: An Evaluation

2008-10-15T22:55:00.000-07:00

XU @ 75

2008-06-26T04:22:00.000-07:00

The date is June 26, 2008. A normal class day for some, but to me, it is different. For in this day, the celebration of the 75th year of Xavier University will start. It may seem nothing to some (especially to those who have not been to XU) but to me, it is.

Xavier University has been my second home ever since I entered Grade 1. I can still remember the event I was (and my family) introduced to Xavier University by a friend of my sister, Perfecto Rom (Kuya Jo-jo). he was a product of Xavier University, and I don't know what came into his mind why he suggested that I get to be enrolled in Xavier University (to think that was already July, classes already started). But I am very grateful that happened for I really learned sooooo many things in my stay in this university(not just in academics, of course!). I wouldn't have learned much if I were in another school (IM NOT SAYING OTHER SCHOOLS ARE NOT GOOD!!!).

Another backtrack, my first time to enter Xavier University Grade School (Macasandig, there's still no Pueblo that time). I was together with my mother and my father to enroll(Take note: early July or end na ni sa June and I was already enrolled to another school). My parents had termed it as "taking their chance". Well, Xavier University had been reputable in Cagayan de Oro, even in Mindanao as a whole. Mindset would always be that it will be DIFFICULT to enter Xavier University. So, we were there. Can't remember much on the people my parents talked to. But all I can remember is that I entered this room (I think it's the guidance office) filled with toys, colorful books, etc. The "teacher" (not sure kung teacher ba jud to) then gave me some test papers to answer. They were about Math, English and Science. I just answered it. After a few minutes, the results were given. I'm not sure of the exact number, but I know that it was only line of eights. But the good thing (and my parents were really happy about it) is that I've passed the exam. I can now be enrolled at Xavier University Grade School.

Just this summer, I was asked my mother, "Unsa imong gibati atong nag exam sa grade school pa ka? Nakulbaan ka?" I instantly answered, "Wala!" Honestly, I didn't have any fears at that moments. I JUST answered the questions written in the paper. There were no doubts or uncertainties during those times.

That event changed my life! I'm now in my 12th year in this university. Of course, I wouldn't be here if it weren't for my scholarships(that's one thing I can really be proud of! I am able to be a consistent scholar from Grade School til present). Daghang Salamat sa ilaha!

Now that Xavier University has reached 75 years teaching quality and holistic education, I'm planning to participate in the school's endeavor in forming men and women of Competence, Conscience, and Commitment. I'm conceptualizing an event for Xavier Students and all students of all Ateneos. I'll be calling it (as of now) as Ateneo Leaders Conference*. It's still a concept, still subject to the approval of the administration (I'm confident they will support this!).

Ad Majorem Dei Gloriam!

*this was originally AMCC, then turned to ASCC, then now (nearly final) ALC. People close to me right now knows AMCC and ASCC. Sorry to the changes, I'm really fond of changing my mind! ^^

The Inevitable (dunno if this title fits)

2008-06-06T02:50:00.000-07:00

In the funerals I've joined (actually, it's funerals in general) there's a certain part of this activity where the deceased person's friends, family, and relatives would talk about the dead in his times here on earth. A noticable observation in this part is that people would always talk about the goodness, kindness, and successes of the deceased (maybe bacause of fear na multuhin sila... ^^,).

It made me think of how would my funeral be like. I thought of what people might say about me when I die. It also made me wonder who would talk about me in my funeral. Of course, certain names have entered my mind. I also hoped that these individuals would talk good about me.

But a certain activity in our leadership seminar disturbed me. We were asked to imagine we were already dead, and we were there on our own funeral. We were also asked to imagine the people who were there. As I picture my friends, I wasn't touched. But I was happy they're there. But as I envisioned my mother in my funeral, my heart broke. Tears began to fall from my eyes as I imagine her. I can't stand looking at my mother, filled with tears, full of agony. I know how much my mom loves me. She had always been there in my sunrises and sunsets. As I watch my mother in deep sorrow, I desperately wanted to help her, comfort her. I wanted to whisper to her ear: "Ma, naa ra ko diri." But it's painful to realize that there is NOTHING I can do. And the most painful part of it is that the reason for her agony was ME!

This activity made me think. I'd rather not be able to listen to what people have to say about me rather than seeing the people I love in distress because of me.

too long...

2008-05-30T06:39:00.000-07:00

I've noticed that my posts are REALLY REALLY long! well, i can't blame myself. I really got so much in mind that I got to say. And that's where the problem comes in. My posts become too wordy that people tend not to read it anymore. And that would hurt me sooooo much. The very reason I created a blog is for people to read.

Actually, here's the process of my posts. I don't post it right away in the computer for most of the times wonderful ideas come into my head are those times I'm not in front of the computer. I write my post in a special notebook. My previous posts usually covered three pages of that notebook. There were also things I wrote that I haven't post yet and/or I chose not to post.

Now that I've realized that my posts are really that damn long, I made a resolution that when I write, I'll SHOULD only cover at most one page of my notebook. Hope I can make it.

And final favor, PLEASE read my post! Daghang Salamat!

My Birthday Wishlist

2008-05-11T15:26:00.000-07:00

My Birthday is drawing close. Well, for those who doesn't know when, it will be on May 20. On that day of the year 2008, it will be my 17th year in this world (but it's actually 17 years and 9 months approx.) Yes guys! I'm still turning 17. I still can't get a license (actually I can already, but I chose not to. And, I still don't know how to drive. T.T) And also, PLEASE don't expect me to treat you guys out on that day!

As all birthday celebrants do, I also have some wishes, hopes, and dreams on my upcoming day. I'm going to present my wishlist for my 17th birthday. I KNOW I won't be able to get these things, but I'll just express them anyways. As the song goes: "Libre lang mangarap!"

iPod Nano - I know for a fact that there are far better MP3 players out there in this world, but I really don't care. What I like about the Nano is that it's just so portable. And what i really wanted is that I can have a collection of my favorite music. I think 4 GB will be enough.
DigiCam - I don't know really good specifications for a really good digital camera, so I can't suggest a model. What I just want is a camera that can produce high quality pictures. I just want to use it to capture memorable moments, spectacular scenery, and, of course, gorgeous women.
Nokia 5310 XpressMusic - I was just looking for phone models at Nokia.com.ph and I was just captivated by this phone. The thing that really caught my eye is the music thing. I'm not really good in choosing good models. My apologies.
video cam - I just want this to capture memorable events in motion picture. I can also use this in making short films.
voice recorder - there are times I talk to myself (yeah! I talk to myself) about useless and brilliant ideas. There are times there such a big gush of ideas that I talk and my pen just can't cope up. That's why I want a voice recorder to document really wonderful things in my head.
PC - those wonderful pictures, funny videos, great ideas will be really useless if I don't have a PC and post it on the net (but I can still upload it in a cafe but it will be hassle.) Another thing why I want a PC is because I really want to learn Adobe Photoshop and Flash.
a date with Lia Cruz - If you don't know her, she's one of the host of House of Hoops in ABC5 and Man and Machines in Studio 23. She's a courtside reporter. She's also the girlfriend of Yael Yuzon, the vocals of Spongecola (dunno kung sila pa, I hope hindi na... ^,...,^ [evil grin]). Man she's really beautiful. I'm really mesmerized by ber beauty. And she's also a very articulate host. A date with her is just heaven for me,

Take note, I'm not asking for these items! I just wanted to share my DREAMS/ ILLUSIONS.

There are also things I wanted to happen on my birthday. First, I wanted to sing and dance in front of a big crowd. Take note, sing AND dance. I just wanted to express myself through a couple of songs and dances. And I want to present in a crowd, I think the Little Theatre will be enough(hehehehe...) Finally, I wanted to see and spend time with the women I consider as special in my life. Probably have lunch or dinner, watch a movie, or play games. But I know this is quite impossible for they are "out of coverage area."

In the end, what really matters is that: "Aning adlawa, usa ka gamayng bata ang nabuhi niining kalibutana ug ginganlan ug Bernard."

My Ideal Woman

2008-05-09T05:31:00.000-07:00

My ideal woman is basically just an idea. I’m not hoping or even expecting that this kind of woman would ever exist in this world. Some parts may be in many ladies but the whole will never be in one.
My ideal woman should be, first of all, be biologically female. In terms of beauty, of course, she’s got to be gorgeous, beautiful, even hot. “Walay plastikan, mangita jud ko ug gwapa!” It will always be a factor that your girlfriend or wife would be “presentable.” I’m not saying that women are like watches or shirts you would show of. What I’m saying is that I would want (and many men also, I supposed) to be proud of the person they love.
Between short or long hair, I’d take long. Between curly or straight, I’d go to straight. Gifted bust or flat-chested, neither. I’d prefer the average. Slim or chubby, I’d say fats are sexy.
But going deeper, don’t look much on those things. Physique would just give me an initial reaction of “Wow!” or “Whoa!” She doesn’t have to be a beauty queen to please me. Even if she’s just wearing a blouse from ukay-ukay and a pair of Spartans, as long as she carries them well and stands out, I’d really be in awe. I really don’t like women who put so much make-up (except on formal occasions, of course.) Powder will do. What matters to me is she takes good care of her face, her hair, her mouth, her underarms, her skin, etcetera. No excessive use of cologne, perfumes and/or make-ups.
Intelligence wise, I want an intellectual equal. A woman exceeding my IQ could hurt my pride at first, but it will do. She’s intelligent, but she can be very, very stupid sometimes. She’s rational but can also get very emotional. I want someone I can talk with from cracking corny jokes and backbiting others until formulating feasibility studies and annotating books. We may have the same brain capacity but we have very different ideas so that we could talk and talk and talk. We could even fight sometimes. She must be a bookworm, a fetish of knowledge. I don’t just want conversations, but fruitful conversations. She is very creative. We would then discuss unique and out-of-this-world ways on how we would date and know each other more.
As for personality, I want a strong woman. She should fight for what she believes is right. But she also recognizes and accepts if she’s at fault. She knows her giftedness and potentials, and she uses them properly. She is a leader. She can move men to act on this male-dominated society. She knows the poor and she tries to alleviate them. She doesn’t just feed them for one meal but she helps them feed themselves. She doesn’t have to go to church everyday. As long as she knows why she’s there. She is very friendly, but also has enemies. And she knows how to deal with them. She can get lonely or sad, frustrated even. But she knows how to face tomorrow with a smile and hope in her face. She can get attracted to other men, but she’s always loyal to me. Finally, she listens, appreciates, and loves, ME.

Creatures Called Women

2008-01-24T02:25:00.000-08:00

Ladies, Girls, Women... They probably are one of the most peculiar creatures in this planet, from their menstruation, to their split-second mood-changing skill. They are the creatures that males, and some of their fellow females don't understand.

One of the noticeable and strange habit of a female would be their too much concern for their face, body, hair and appearance. They spend millions of, not only money but also time, for lipsticks, mascaras. pants, mini skirts, relaxes and re bonds. All of these, they do for one thing: to look good and attractive. But unfortunately, they find themselves having more pimples, more split ends, more fats... For short, uglier.

I once asked a female friend why they do such horrible things. She said that they do it for there are males who tease and females who criticize. I must admit, what she said is reality.

Now that we have a deeper understanding about the creatures we call ladies, here's what I've got to say: Females may be very weird, but still many biological males still love them, including me.

A Letter to the Stage

2008-01-08T23:27:00.000-08:00

Dearest Stage,

It's been a long time since we've been together. I hope you missed me for I do miss you. For a long time I've always considered you as my life. I wouldn't be complete if we're not together. I've always perceived that I am for you. Many says it's true. We always work well together. I always feel that great happiness when I'm with you.

But there were recent events that made me doubt, sometimes even assured, that I'm not for you anymore. That all I believed before were all lies. Remembering those events makes my heart bleed.

I can still remember that project assigned to us by a great mentor. We were supposed to make a short film showing unique Filipino traits. I, thinking I can, volunteered to lead a group. I was so eager to handle the group. All worked well at the start. But it became hell when we decided to change the script. Honestly, I lost my amor towards the project when the script was changed. I wanted my script to be followed, even if I know it wasn't good. I was so selfish and narrow-minded. I lost my eagerness to work, I didn't realize I left my team hanging. They were depending on me. I failed them, and failed them badly. The arts was supposed to be my forte. But I acted so lousily. I haven't only failed my groupmates, but I also failed you, my dearest stage.

Another accident is the playfest. Again, I was so eager at the start to handle it. So many brillant ideas were on my mind. But I lost track and left my team again. As I left, one classmate volunteered to direct the play. I was hurt. I wanted to handle the play. But I feared of what others might think about me. Again I did nothing, realizing that they were all depending on me, even the director. I really hate myself! I'm supposed to be a man of the arts, yet I acted stupidly in this field of art. Damn! The execution of the play was fine, but there was something missing. I knew what was missing, but I chose to keep my mouth shut for the fear again of what others will say. I am really sorry for my mentor who adviced what was missing in the production. I wasn't able to put into action his suggestions, splendid suggestions. He knew I could do it but I failed him.

After all these inidents, I don't know if I still have the guts to face you dearest stage. Many opportunities came for us to be together again but I didn't grab them. I failed you, failed you hard. And I haven't only failed you once but a couple of times already. It seems that I don't deserve to be with you anymore. Honestly, I want to be with you again, but I fear I might fail you again. And I don't know what to do if that happens again. Please forgive me!

Sincerely,

Bernard